


Whiskey and Cigarettes

by ddelusionall



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Memories, Post-Lawsuit Era (DBSK)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-22
Updated: 2010-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:47:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23928655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddelusionall/pseuds/ddelusionall
Summary: Jaejoong holds on even as life moves on.
Relationships: Kim Jaejoong/Shim Changmin
Kudos: 1





	Whiskey and Cigarettes

**Author's Note:**

> I am importing my stories from LiveJournal. The original fic can be found [here](http://be-ddelusionall.livejournal.com/).
> 
> I haven't read this story in a long time, so I may have missed some tags. Just let me know if I did.

_A/N: The part in italics are memories, not flashbacks, and they aren't in order, because when we remember things, we don't always remember them in the order that they happened_

Jaejoong was lifting his hand to wipe at water on his lips when he saw him. He froze, mind disbelieving, but eyes happy with recognition.

Another camera snapped in Jaejoong’s face and he jerked back to where he was, smiling wide and answering media questions about his newest movie. He answered them all with anticipation and eagerness. It was his first movie since he returned from military service. He knew this movie would make or break the rest of his career, but he tried not to let that fear show.

When he had a moment to look again, Changmin was no longer standing where he had been.

After the press conference he headed to his hotel room. His mind traveled through memories, far away from the limo he was riding in. He drank whiskey and smoked cigarettes.

-|-

_Minnie-ah, Minnie-ah_

_I’m not fourteen anymore, hyung._

_Oh, god, no you are not. Look at this body._

_Fuck, hyung._

-|-

Daesung reached across the space between them and touched Jaejoong’s knee. Jaejoong smiled at him, despite his desire to be alone.

“Are you alright?”

Jaejoong nodded. “Tired.”

He wasn’t surprised when Daesung followed him toward his room. He thought for a moment of letting in him, to try to chase away his past, but part of Jaejoong didn’t want his past gone that night. He turned to Daesung and said, “I want to be alone.”

Daesung tried not to let his disappointment show, but he nodded. “Sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, just … I need a drink and … I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Okay,” Daesung whispered. Jaejoong didn’t flinch away when Daesung kissed his cheek, and Daesung smiled.

Jaejoong liked him. He just didn’t love him. He went to his room and drank whiskey and smoked cigarettes.

-|-

_Who do you love the most, hyung?_

_You._

_Why?_

_Because._

_Because why?_

_Who do you love the most, Minnie-ah?_

_You._

_Why?_

_You make me happy, hyung._

-|-

Jaejoong drank himself into a stupor, and then stroked himself, lying naked, spread eagle on the bed too big for one person. He stroked himself thinking of brown eyes, curly hair, long-long-long legs. He stroked himself until he was crying too hard to continue, and then he drank himself to sleep.

The premier was a success and Jaejoong partied that night with his costars, drinking until Daesung’s advances weren’t irritating and unwanted. Fortunately, Jaejoong did not drink so much that he was unable to leave that night. He left Daesung asleep and went to his own apartment. His own empty home. The walls echoed with music of long forgotten notes and moans. He sat on the balcony and drank whiskey and smoked cigarettes.

-|-

_I hate you._

_I know._

_I … You said you’d take care of me forever._

_I will. Come with me._

_You don’t need me. You have them. Your soulmate and your--_

_I need you, Minnie-ah._

_Don’t call me that anymore. I hate you._

_I hate myself most days._

-|-

It took longer than Jaejoong would have thought.

Two in the morning. It was their time, their moment, after practice, after performances, after appearances. He didn’t even bother looking at the video camera to see who was buzzing at the front of his building. He knew.

His door was unlocked. The lights were off.

Jaejoong stared through the window, his breath fogging the clear glass for a moment. He held his breath until it cleared and he could see the city lights again. He exhaled.

A shadow moved in the reflection of the glass.

Arms wrapped around Jaejoong’s shoulders.

“You’re leaving tomorrow,” Jaejoong said after about ten minutes of silence.

“Yeah,” Changmin said.

“You’ll do well in the army, Minnie-ah.”

“I do well in everything I do.”

“Yes.”

Jaejoong turned his head. Their lips met, and once again, Jaejoong lost himself in the past.

-|-

_Why … hyung?_

_Your lips looked lonely._

_What?_

_You were frowning, but now you’re frowning more._

_You just kissed me, of course, I’m frowning._

_You didn’t like it? Should I try again?_

_Hyung!_

_Was that better?_

_Maybe a little. Try again?_

-|-

Without leaving Jaejoong’s lips, Changmin moved around the chair. He knelt in front of the man who owned more of his heart than performing, singing and modeling combined. Jaejoong’s hands untucked his shirt. Their movements were precise, efficient. Jaejoong’s tank top fell to the floor, Changmin’s pants unbuckled. Jaejoong sucked on Changmin’s fingers as their clothes seemed to disappear.

Jaejoong slouched in the chair, hooking one leg around Changmin’s hip and the other on his shoulder. Changmin kissed his calf muscle. Fingers pushed into Jaejoong’s body and he moaned, eyes shutting as Changmin prepared him.

-|-

_I … I’m sorry, hyung. That was bad._

_No, it wasn’t._

_It was._

_No--_

_It was. And now … now … I’ll understand, just go, I’m sorry, I--_

_Silly, Minnie-ah. What are you talking about? If you think it was bad, then we’ll just have to do it again and again until you’re perfect at it._

-|-

Jaejoong moaned as Changmin’s cock pressed dry into him. “You’re … you’re still not good enough, Minnie-ah. Let’s do it again after this.”

Jaejoong forgot how blinding Changmin’s smile was.

He sped up his thrusts and a hand wrapped around Jaejoong’s cock. Jaejoong shut his eyes with a satisfied sigh. He came quietly, though his body jerked violently.

“I love watching you come, hyung,” Changmin whispered. He put his arm around Jaejoong’s shoulders and lifted him up and out of the chair. He sat back. Jaejoong’s arms and legs wrapped around his body. The thrusts into his body were shallow.

Changmin was silent, but Jaejoong could hear him, hear him moan and whine and beg.

-|-

_Jaejoong, fuck me harder, please, fuck._

_Patience, Minnie-ah, we have all night._

_But for how long, please. Oh, god. Hyung, fuck! Hyung, I’m coming, fuck, I … love you, hyung, I love you._

_I love you, too, Minnie-ah._

-|-

Changmin kissed away his tears, ran his hands through Jaejoong’s hair. Jae shivered as come dripped from his body.

“Can you stay?” Jaejoong whispered.

“No.”

Jaejoong wanted to protest. His chest hitched with a gasp as Changmin slipped from his body. Using the chair for support, Changmin lifted Jaejoong. He walked down the hall to Jaejoong’s room. He settled Jaejoong in the middle of the bed, kneeling between his legs. With a firm grip on his ankles, Changmin spread Jae’s legs wide and pushed into the now-slickened hole.

Jaejoong cried.

-|-

_H-h-hyung._

_Hi, Minnie-ah._

_What are you doing here?_

_I miss you._

_I … you have to leave._

_I can’t leave, I already left once. Let me come in._

_I can’t, hyung._

_I understand. Here’s where I’m living now. Come over if you can, okay?_

_H-hyung, I …_

_I’ll understand if you can’t, but just in case. I miss you. I love you, Minnie-ah._

_I … hyung._

-|-

“Tell me you love me,” Jaejoong whispered desperately. “Please.”

“I love you, hyung.”

Jaejoong yanked Changmin down by his neck. They both moaned as Jaejoong practically bent in half. They kissed as Changmin moved faster.

“Tell me again.”

“I love you, Jaejoong. I love you.”

Jaejoong buried his face in Changmin’s neck and shuddered as another orgasm approached. Changmin whispered I love you over and over until Jaejoong came between their bodies. Changmin slowed his thrusts and then kissed Jaejoong’s face, licking up his tears.

“I love you, hyung,” he whispered right before he came.

Jaejoong wanted to ask him to stay again. Changmin had never stayed over.

Jaejoong understood.

They kissed again. Jaejoong refused to let him go, refused to allow him out of the grip of his legs and arms.

“You’re so beautiful, Minnie-ah. So beautiful. Everything you do for me is beautiful. I love you so much.”

“I love you, hyung. You have to let me go.”

“No, I don’t. I’ll hold onto you forever. Your heart is mine, dongsaeng.”

Changmin smiled at him again. “It is. Forever.”

It took all of Jaejoong’s will power to let Changmin go. Changmin whispered kisses along his chest and he moved away. Changmin walked across the room. Jaejoong’s chest tightened and his heart broke as Changmin opened the door.

“I love you, Minnie-ah,” he shouted, voice harsh with tears.

Changmin stopped for a moment, but didn’t turn around. They both knew that if he turned around, he’d come back to bed. Jaejoong wanted Changmin to turn around.

“I love you, hyung.”

-|-

_You’re leaving tomorrow?_

_Yes, I thought you knew._

_No, I didn’t know. Why would I know that?_

_Don’t you have the Internet?_

_I … hyung, I didn’t know. That’s why I didn’t come before. I swear I didn’t know._

_It’s okay, Minnie-ah, you’re here now. Give me something to think about while I’m in the military. Love me all night long, okay?_

_I can’t stay._

_I’m not asking you to, just love me. I love you._

_I love you, hyung._

-|-

As the gray of dawn colored the sky, and then as the sunlight brushed the tops of the buildings, Jaejoong sat on his balcony and drank whiskey and smoked cigarettes.


End file.
